Trials

We all have different trials in our lives, I understand that.  I know that trials make us grow, and make us stronger.  I am thankful that my trials are minimal compared to others that I have seen, but I still don't like them.  As most people know, our biggest trial has been trying to have kids.  When we were dating and first married we had decided that 4 kids would be perfect.  After it was so hard for me to get pregnant and all the drama with Marshall's delivery and knowing each one after would be via C-section we decided 3 kids would be perfect.  It took us a very long time to get pregnant with Kambria and we were just thankful that we were able to have 2 kids.  Since having Kambria I have really felt like their was one more baby out there for us, but I really didn't want to go on clomid again.  In the past 3.5 years I have done 3 different rounds of clomid.  meaning I have been on clomid for 6 months, went off then back on then off etc.  This last time was just recently.  I really felt like I needed to give it one more try.  I started with some herbal medicine.  Our insurance had changed so I couldn't see my previous Dr.  I was super sad about that, he knew me, he knew my struggles, he understood me, he cared about me and he was so caring.  The first Dr I went to had been recommended by a few friends.  He was a jerk.  He didn't care at all, he didn't listen, he didn't care about my past.  He wanted me to start from square one.  I left so disappointed, and so frustrated and cried for what seemed like forever.  We weren't telling anyone that we were trying, so other then Jake I had no one to talk to and cry to.  Then I went to a different Dr.  He was so nice and was willing to just let me start clomid but wouldn't start me on double like my previous, oh well at least he was nice and cared.  So for several months I have took clomid and no luck.  So if I have been ornery, moody, or rude to you, I am sorry .... that was the reason.  That medicine is not fun.  It makes me gain weight, get lots of zits and I am soooooo moody.  It truly is a relationship killer and my family pays for it dearly. 

It is crazy though, we prayed that whatever was right would happen this time a round and that at the end of it we would feel at peace with the results.  I was nervous to get pregnant and start over again.  I had sold all of my baby/maternity stuff.  I was also anxious and thought I would be depressed if it didn't happen.  So we said we will try faithfully for X amount of months and then no matter what we will be done.  We did so, and we are 100% content with our 2 wonderful children.  I am so thankful that I was blessed with the two kids that I do have.  When I realized I wasn't pregnant, I was fine, I wasn't disappointed, I wasn't angry, I was at peace.  It was a great feeling and now we can move on with our little family and stop all the what ifs.